Coercive Control: The Abuse That Takes Away Your Freedom

Coercive control is a pattern of behavior in which an abuser uses isolation, monitoring, rules, and threats to take away your freedom and autonomy. The control builds up gradually. Your access to friends and family, money, and independence is cut back, while overbearing rules and threats take their place.

If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or your local emergency number. If you are questioning your relationship and want to talk it through, in the United States you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or thehotline.org. An advocate can help you think through your options and make a safety plan. If you think your phone or computer is being monitored, reach out from a device your partner cannot access.

The term was popularized by sociologist Evan Stark in his 2007 book Coercive Control. He argued that abuse goes beyond physical harm, and that the patterns of control and isolation in coercive control are just as abusive.

Coercive control is different from a partner being jealous or occasionally behaving badly. It is an ongoing pattern, not a one-off, in which someone creates fear and controls your freedom.

Signs of Coercive Control

Examples of coercive control include:

Controlling your access to friends or family - Your partner may question who you are talking to or make you cancel plans so that you stay with them.
Controlling your access to money - Your partner may control or hide your money so that you depend on them financially.
Monitoring your location and devices - Your partner may constantly check your location, go through your phone, or track what you do online.
Rules and punishment - Your partner may impose strict rules about daily life, then punish you with anger, silence, or threats when you break them.
Controlling your image - Your partner may control what you wear, how you look, or how you present yourself to assert dominance.
Controlling your reproductive choices - Your partner may pressure you into reproductive decisions that you are uncomfortable with.
Gaslighting - Your partner may make you question your own memory, perception, and judgment, or insist that you are always the one at fault.
Threats - Your partner may threaten to harm you or people you care about, or threaten to leave you, if you do not go along with their demands.

This list is not exhaustive. If your partner makes you feel afraid or controlled in ways like these, you may be experiencing coercive control. If you feel that you are in immediate danger, please call 911 or your local emergency number.

Why Coercive Control Is So Harmful

Coercive control can be as damaging as physical violence, sometimes more so. It systematically dismantles a person's sense of self, leaving them feeling trapped, confused, and unable to trust their own judgment. Survivors often lose friends, family connections, and financial independence, making it extremely difficult to leave. Many people experiencing it also feel a strong sense of connection to their abuser, who may still be their main source of affection and validation. This is known as trauma bonding, and it can make leaving even harder. Recognizing the pattern is the first step toward reclaiming your life.

Is Coercive Control Abuse?

Coercive control is a form of abuse. Although it is not as obvious or well known as physical abuse, it often comes alongside physical abuse or leads to it. Evan Stark compared the psychological harm of coercive control to being taken hostage in your own relationship.

Coercive control is a criminal offense in the United Kingdom, Ireland, and parts of Australia, and some US states recognize it in family court. A domestic abuse advocate can explain what applies where you live and what your options are.

If You Are Thinking About Leaving

Coercive control is a form of abuse, and it harms your autonomy and well-being. Whether and when to leave is your decision, and there is no single right timeline. Leaving can be the most dangerous time, because a controlling partner may escalate threats or violence when they sense they are losing control. That is why planning matters.

If you are thinking about leaving, start by contacting a domestic abuse hotline. In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is at 1-800-799-7233 or thehotline.org. An advocate can help you build a safety plan that fits your situation. A plan often includes:

Telling trusted people in your life about the situation
Keeping a record of messages, incidents, and money transactions somewhere your partner cannot reach
Setting aside money of your own where your partner cannot access it
Working out where you would stay and how you would get there

If your partner monitors your phone or computer, use a device they cannot access when you look for help.

How Can Peer Support Help With Coercive Control?

Coercive control is a form of abuse that leaves those experiencing it feeling powerless and can lead to them losing friends and family. Seeking peer support is a powerful way for survivors to regain trust in their own experience and rebuild their self-esteem and support network. Peer support can also help survivors identify signs of coercive control in their relationship. Coercive control is dangerous and seeking help, whether through peer support, crisis line or professional, is highly recommended. Peer support does not replace a domestic abuse advocate or emergency services.

How ShareWell Supports Survivors of Coercive Control

At ShareWell, we offer peer support groups in which survivors of coercive control can connect with others who truly understand the experience. Our groups provide a safe space to rebuild trust in yourself, process what happened, and begin reclaiming your identity. Hearing from others who have walked the same path can be a powerful reminder that you are not alone, and that healing is possible. You can find hotlines and crisis contacts on our resources page.

Want to connect with others who understand? Join an online support group today.

We offer sessions to talk through emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, NPD abuse, and toxic relationships.

For further information, see our glossary pages on gaslighting, financial abuse, love bombing, and grey rocking.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is coercive control in simple terms?

Coercive control is a form of abuse in which someone systematically reduces your freedom, autonomy, and self-worth in order to control you. It often happens without physical violence, but it can come alongside it.

What are examples of coercive control?

Examples include controlling your money, limiting who you see, monitoring your phone or location, dictating your appearance, setting rules and ultimatums, and making threats.

Is coercive control a crime?

How do you get out of a coercively controlling relationship?

Start by contacting a domestic abuse hotline, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 in the United States. An advocate can help you make a safety plan, which often includes telling people you trust and planning where you would go. Leaving can be a dangerous time, so plan before you act if you can.