My name is (A)! Here to heal! Please ask if you can dm as i dont trust in people and am completely tapped out from hurting! I want to heal and feel better as i miss my happy go lucky loving funny bighearted charming romantic self. I have difficulties regulating my emotions. I go from 1 to 10 in a second. I spiral as I don't understand what im feeling and dont pinpoint it till ive calmed down. I just started feeling emotions again and it gets intense when i feel and i lash out because im confused scared and feel like im in a room trapped and the room gets smaller with a noose. Claustrophobic ptsd anxiety depression abandonment issues every abuse you could think of an extensive amount of sexual trauma abusive relationships traumatic homelessness problems being around men and not lashing out. The list goes on an on. I have been struggling a lot with feeling like someone will touch me again, so I go in fight or fight mode most days out of fear. I don't trust easily because a theme for me is letting someone in who is either narcissistic abusive in anyways liar manipulative gets off on hurting me ect. I was abandoned from my adopted family because im gay an left my bio because it was toxic and traumatic. I have stayed to myself for 8 almost 9 years and am trying to learn social cues interactions ect again and make friends. I don't trust so I push people away and run away the second i feel anything which really sucks.I also have fear of commitment because i dont want to get hurt in romantic relationships so of course i get scared and run away. I took a vow of celibacy and being single until married almost at 9 years. If someone loves me for me then it will be. I used to be this strong person running businesses and someone people look up to admire and inspire social butterfly making friends everywhere i go literally everywhere. Now im extremely fragile with any little thing pushing me over the edge. I also lost my little autistic brother who was 3 to drowning by murder by my older brother and i saw it all. So to feel close to my lil buddy and drop the drowning rate which im incredibly passionate and knowledgeable about ,i lifeguard and swim Instruct. I miss me! Thats why im here to find that person again that laughed for hours they cried. I miss that lil gal that funny lil lady. I also want to go through the day without snapping at people and being overly mean. Ty for giving me a platform to share some of my traumatic story.