Bargaining in Grief: The “What If” Stage of Loss
When someone is grieving, the mind often tries to make sense of the impossible. It reaches for hopeful phrases and scenarios that feel like they could rewind time or soften the pain. This is called bargaining—a natural part of grief. It's the mind's way of trying to create order at a moment when everything feels unsteady.
What Is Bargaining in Grief?
Bargaining is the part of grief when the mind searches for a compromise that could make the loss feel less real or less painful. It can sound like, “If only I had…,” “What if I had done this differently?,” or “Maybe if I change now, things will be okay.”
Even though these negotiations can’t actually change what happened, they serve a purpose. Bargaining is the brain’s way of holding onto connection while trying to protect you from the full weight of the loss all at once.
Why Bargaining Happens
There isn't one single cause for bargaining. It's often a mix of emotional patterns and life experiences. Bargaining can arise from:
- Searching for control: Grief removes certainty, and bargaining offers a temporary sense of agency.
- Meaning making: Your mind replays events, trying to understand why this happened or what could have changed it.
- Emotional overwhelm: Deep grief can stretch time and distort reasoning, making "what if" thoughts feel urgent and real.
- Maintaining connection: Bargaining can be a way to feel close to the person or life you've lost, even when they are no longer here.
What Bargaining Looks Like in Everyday Life
Bargaining can show up quietly throughout the day. Some examples include:
- Replaying conversations in your head and wishing you had said or done something differently.
- Promising yourself that you'll be better, do more, or try harder if the pain could just ease up.
- Imagining alternate timelines where the loss never happened.
- Trying to make sense of why this happened, even when there may be no clear answer.
A Few Things That Can Help
You don't have to untangle bargaining thoughts alone. A few supportive practices can make this stage of grief feel more bearable:
- Name what's happening: Simply recognizing, "This is bargaining," can make it feel less overwhelming.
- Talk it out: Sharing your "what if" thoughts with others can bring perspective, comfort, and connection.
- Ground in the present moment: Breathing exercises, journaling, gentle movement, or sensory grounding can help you come back to now.
- Offer yourself compassion: Bargaining isn't a failure or a sign of weakness—it's a reflection of love, longing, and how much what you lost mattered.
How ShareWell Supports People Experiencing Bargaining in Grief
At ShareWell, we hold space for every part of grief, including the messy, circular, "what if" thoughts that can feel hard to say out loud. Our peer support groups offer a place where you can talk about your experience without judgment or pressure to "be over it."
In our support sessions, community members come together to share stories, emotions, and uncertainties that feel too heavy to carry alone. There's no rush toward acceptance and no expectation to grieve a certain way or on a certain timeline.
Navigating grief isn't about forcing yourself forward. It's about being seen, supported, and reminded that your feelings make sense.
If you're moving through bargaining in grief and want community around you, join an online support group today. At ShareWell, we believe grief doesn't have to be a solitary journey—it can be held in community.