I have many people and conditions in my life for which I am deeply grateful. These include friends, counselors and teachers who taught me about mindfulness and the ability to let go of expectations: to stop being attached to desires that the world stop being the way it is. It was only because of that ability to let go that I and my wife were able to provide the support that our daughter needed to enter treatment and recover from anorexia. Staying present with her and not surrendering to our fear gave her the opportunity to save her own life, in work with her therapists. But it seems a crisis will either strengthen a couple, or expose the fault lines that are already there. In the case of my marriage, the fault lines were too deep. When my wife began making threats (both physical and emotional), I knew that even though it was one of the hardest things I'd ever do, I had to leave that marriage. Buddhist author Pema Chödrön's books taught me that the pain from betrayals and broken relationships is an opportunity for becoming more open to the pain that other people are carrying. A source of compassion for them, and a way of offering connection... I made it my practice to (whenever possible) approach each encounter (however brief) with another person by asking myself, "How would I behave if I loved this person? What are they saying that they need? At the very least, can I be present with this person?" And then act accordingly...while recognizing that my need to love may not be something that aligns with their needs, or their boundaries. Making no choices without their consent. (There's a line between being a loving person and being a compulsive caregiver.) I learned many things, and I'm still learning. Among the most important: love is not for wimps. It takes courage. In making ourselves vulnerable, we can be hurt, and we will be. Staying open and always getting back up when wounded... Those are things only a loving warrior can do. Case in point: what do you do when your partner turns into a stranger with your partner's face? Someone you don't know anymore...a stranger who wants to pretend that your relationship never was what it was, so they can feel better about leaving. After that happens, can you remain open to loving others, and even continue to love the person who left you...while letting them go, as they asked? Most recently, I have to find the courage to stand in the fire with someone I love more than my life. This person recently trusted me enough to tell me about the trauma she's been through. Hearing what happened to her was horrifying. I have to be strong for her. I have to be there *if* she needs me, and remember that when it comes to this, it can never be about my pain from knowing what happened or my need for resolution. It has to be entirely about what she needs: something only she can know. Only once before, when coping with my daughter's illness, have I ever needed to grow so much so quickly. To find forms of courage I never knew I needed.