Abusive history from childhood through marriages. Abandonment and loss of anything I get attached to. Loss of earthly possessions and feelings of mourning and yearning for what is gone. Extreme parental alienation and children intimidated to choose parent from ex husband them as adults are still somewhat affected. We don’t even really know each other. They are much more attached to step mom than to me. Was diagnosed as bipolar in 40’s but was going thru menopause at that time. My Pysc of over 10 years beloved I was misdiagnosed and was in shutdown and in survival mode. I now have extreme PTSD and usually don’t realize the episode sometimes for weeks when I am calmed down and can look back at the situation. In PTSD mode I am very overly mad and lash out. I have no support of immediate family. I feel they are feeling there she goes again. I also feel they think why isn’t she “better” by now. Brother in law recently told me that the trauma of especially my first marriage I should “get over it by now and stop talking about it” he also said I have put too much of a burden on my sister who was once my best friend and is now almost alienated from me. My children live across the united states so the family I have are my siblings and their children and grandchildren. Which relationships are strained. I came out of the “little black box” I was in for 14 years. I was sucked into it the night of “the vote” my ex intimidated my children to choose between me and him. When I busted out of the box I felt the authentic me popped out. I’m done being bullied and stand up for myself again. I didn’t confront when someone tries to bully me again but calmly stand my ground. I have talked about the abuse of my first husband for 15 years but have never told anyone the really bad things that happened. I was married to him for 25 years which is half of my life. Talking about it for so many years is the only way I could process the abuse that was in every way I think abuse can be inflicted. I was writing my sister a heartfelt letter of gratitude for all she has done for me when her husband told me how ungrateful I am for her and all she has done for me. Now I feel if I give it to her she and her husband will think it’s because of what he said to me. I have been a burden on all the family who lives in our town. I tell them how much I appreciate all they have done for me. I was told for so many years by three husbands that I can’t do anything even my father who I live with and take care of tells me I can’t do anything. I have broke out of that cycle and say to myself I can. I’ve always had a air of innocence and because of that have been told I’m stupid. I had a very exceptional career with work above and beyond any expectation in my field of work. So I’m obviously not stupid. I’ve come a very long way in my improvement in my mind and spirit from being in that “little black box” I was in for so many years. I feel very alone and have been discouraged that even my dad never has my back. But have decided to change my behavior knowing he will never have my back. I see the improvement I have made but it seems so far no one else has. After my 3rd marriage when I was once again I was kicked out of the house I moved back in with my dad. My siblings give me the feeling I am taking advantage of him by living here. He’s 93 and is in need of more daily care. Non of my siblings seem to see what his true physical limitations are. I really don’t have anyone I can talk to. So for the most part talk to myself. I am a empath and have angels I can see and with my spiritual eyes see. Many times in my mind they talk to me and we have conversations. If I tell anyone about it they think it’s not possible and I am straying from the teachings of my church. I know of the teachings that say this is possible and angels are always around us. My mother was very abusive and just to get along with her my father was too. I didn’t start healing until she died in 2019. That’s enough for now.